WEBSTER'S DEFINITION: MATTHOLE

MATTHOLE (N) 1. ANY PERSON WHO WORKS OUT IN PUBLIC 2. A MAN WHO MISTAKES HIS BODY TO BE A TEMPLE FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS AND STRANGERS AS WELL AS HIMSELF 3. A PERSON WHO GOES TO THE GROCERY STORE OR THE BAR WHILE COVRED IN SWEAT FROM PRIOR WORKOUT

USAGE:

"I was hanging out on the beach in Miami when this total Matthole came up and was all 'High five me! I just did six sets of eighty squats'."

YEP, I AM THE MOST ANNNOYING WOMAN ALIVE

SO FUCK ALL Y'ALL! LOVE, TYRA

MY KOALA IS FULL OF COCAINE!

Earlier that day...

Koala, what do you want to do today? Do you want to go to Kitson? Do you think Australia even has a Kitson? Or do you want to go back to London and talk to Real Down to Earth People who only saw the first season of the OC? Maybe you want to play on the Sidekick and spread a rumor about icky Brandon Davis ick. Nah? Well do you want to blow a few lines? I know. I ALWAYS want to do that but it's totally fun don't you think? I know you do, you big eyed koala cutie bear. Here's what we'll do. We'll blow a few lines and then we'll go out and talk to Real Down to Earth people. I bet they have those in Australia, don't you think? Me too, koala, me too. Sniff sniff.

You'd Never Know it, But I'm a real pussy

Or maybe you would. After all, dear paparzzi, I am clad in all black, head to toe. A rather bold move for a eurotrash, I do realize, playing into the silly stereotype and whatnot. And hey, check out this writing on my hands. Pretty butch, eh? Wouldn't want to meet me in a dark alley, wouldya mate? And of course naturally your silly camera picks up the glow of my vegan skin. Macrobiotic, baby. Oh drat. Was that rather Austin Powers-esque? Eh, what of it. Gwynnie and Apply like me well enough. I think. I hope. (laughs hysterically) Oh fuck if I give a fuck if anyone likes me. I am Coldplay! Who cares!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MARRIED A WAX PERSON

I can't believe it. If she wasn't wax she could ride on this with me. Oh well. Wax melts. What can you do?

FUCK YOU, NO YOU

TERI: Fuck you.

EVA: No fuck you.

TERI No fuck you.

EVA: No fuck you and your skinny ass bones.

TERI: Fuck you and your skinny ass boyfriend.

EVA: No fuck you and your skinny ass talent.

TERI: No fuck YOU and your skinny ass talent.

A beat. The girls laugh and join hands.

TERI AND EVA: Fuck both of us!

BRAINS AT PLAY

PARIS: Wait. What's your name again?

STAVROS: Lemme think.

PARIS: StolI?

STAVROS: Yeah, I think so.

PARIS: I'm hot.

STAVROS: Me too.

PARIS: Um, you can't say that.

STAVROS: But eees so hot! Look at sweat on linen!

PARIS: I licensed that phrase.

STAVROS: Have we met before?

PARIS: Totally.

STAVROS: When?

PARIS: I'm bored.

STAVROS: I know.

PARIS: Wanna go hump?

STAVROS: Okay. But is it too hot?

PARIS: Stoli, I told you. Don't say hot. Use another word.

STAVROS: Like a word that means hot but not the word hot?

PARIS: Yeah.

STAVROS: I will think of one.

Fifteen minutes later.

PARIS: Fuck it. Let's go hump.

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE I GET PAID TO ACT?

I know. Don't tell anyone. Please.

INSIDE ASHLEE'S HEAD

Come on shoulders, slouch. i am me only better i am me only better i am me only better but come on, rib cage, shrink. Come on, nosey poo, attract more attention. Come on hair, don't glisten that much, when you glisten it's too blonde I wanna cupcake or a cokecake or a bronzecake mmm cake! Come on legs, tighten. wait. how do you walk? put foot out. foot out. lift leg. leg lifted. hi camera. purse lips, purse! wait. foot out but what then?

someone get me my fucking adderrolll!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT WHITE GIRL?

MARIAH: Hey, what's she looking at? My legs look HOT. Assistant person, go tell that hizzo to stop looking at me or I'll high note kick her ass into Long Island Sound.

ASSSITANT: I think you know her.

MARIAH: Know her? Um, I don't think so.

ASSISTANT: No remember? Her name's Jessica. She wears striped onesie shorts too. And she rollerskates and makes videos.

MARIAH: Hold my cranberry spritzer, assistant person.

ASSISTANT: Okay.

(Assistant reaches)

MARIAH: Hands off girl! Wait. I wanna sip sip. I can't remember. Can that Jess girl sing?

ASSISTANT: Not really no.

MARIAH: But she's married to that six pack boy band guy, right?

ASSISTANT: Not anymore, no.

MARIAH: But her single's the one about stars being blind and shit, right?

ASSISTANT: No, Mariah. That's the Paris Hilton one.

MARIAH: Oh hell. Let her stare. Maybe she'll learn something from me.

THANK YOU TERRORISTS!

PETER: If nobody blew up the world trade center, we would be at home watching Secretary again.

MAGPIE: I know. Thank God America brought this on themselves.

PETER: Please Maggie...There are reporters nearby.

MAGPIE: I know. It's hard knowing everything and being smarter than everyone, you know?

PETER: I know. But somehow I am likable and you are not so I can speak my mind without alienating people.

MAGPIE: I am too well bred and bicoastal and intelligent and porcelain skinned and smart and east coast to be liked. People are jealous, Petey.

PETER: I know.

MAGPIE: You do realize that I am an aristocrat and that aristorats know everything?

PETER: I know.

MAGPIE: And you do realize that I am a superior human, and that I am not judgemental but just have a low tolerance for stupid people, who I can judge because aristocratic tall people with good bone structure and famous brothers have a responsibility to judge people?

PETER: I know.

MAGPIE: And that I will never be as famous as my arisocratic brother because people just get jealous of me and-

PETER: Fucking shut up and smile for the camera you cunt! (a beat) Sorry. Hi baby. I love you maggie!

MAGPIE: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

A BIG MEAN GRAY POLE IS GOING TO ATTACK ME!!

Mumsy? Hi. It's Deenie. Um, I just got out of Ivy...No, not on Robertson. The one in Santa Monica...I don't know. I guess I feel shy today. Mummy listen to me! I need help. You know how photographers come wait for me when I ask? Well I like that. But I am out on the street and there is this skinny gray pole man with a bobble head and this slot in his head and he is really scaring me...Well, it's a little slot like you would put coins in it....I know, he must be really poor, I mean, he is hiding behind a little wicker trash can...No it's not Charlie. He's too skinny...No, he's not a paparazzi. He's too skinny....Well I did try and talk to it him but he just kept staring...Yeah, I am wearing the hot pink casual whore dress...You really think I should touch the pole man? I don't want to touch him. He's staring really hard...Okay, I will wait till he goes away from me...I love me too, Mommy. Thanks!

I HAVE BUTTERFLIES IN MY HEAD!

It's true. I do. I'm like opening my craw so that the butterflies fly out of my noggin and stuff. Like when you like someone else you get butterlifes in your belly. But I like me so much that I got the dang jitterers in my noggin! And they ain't moving. Course, if I was inside of me I wouldn't leave either.

Stupid Nick.

But seriously. Y'all, it is just SO MUCH FUN going out and showing off my big ol boobs and big blonde hair. It's always fun but the way my sister's all getting her bones broke up and what not and pissing off her record label and trying to look like me, and alls I gotta do is get some bronzer and call Kenny babe and I can step out and boom boom

She's the ugly sister again!

I swear, if it wasn't so much fun gettin to feel so pretty so easy, I'd worry about her going all Single White Female on me.

But daddy says I'm still the best.

So phew.

Let's party!

MY NAME IS P-BRAIN AND I AM A PUBLICITY WHORE

First I went coo-coo love bug with TOM CRUISE for fame and fortune. We made movie together where I was preeeetier than Cameron Diaz, who is mean and blonde and Americana.

Nobody likey movie but I stay with Tom anway. My contract with him gooood and let me make love love to others when I want.

Then I went coo-coo love bug with MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. Me prettier than heeem but only just barely. Then we made movie together called SAHARA. I no can remember what eeet was about. But nobody likey.

Now Matthew and me break up up. And he go jogging and drink lots of alkeeeeyhol. But I preeetier than heeem by far now and I not roll around in sand as much doing yoga or beeeeing drunky.

When nobody want to look at mee no more I tell world

I SAW SURI

And now I get beeeeg picture on PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

Who I go out with next? Please to help me. Me funny. I leeeev in Englamerica for a loooong time but I steeeel no speaky English. I learn from my friend SALMA HAYEK that it is preeeety when woman no speaky correct.

Heehee.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

MEL: I said how does my ass look in these jeans?

DAUGHTER: Fine. How does my ass look?

MEL: I can't see your ass while I'm lighting the cigarette. Fine? All you can say is fine?

DAUGHTER: Mom, come on. You were never about your ass.

Mel takes lighter back. A moment passes.

MEL: Is that any way to talk to the woman who carried you in her womb?

DAUGHTER: Okay, you have a great ass. You kill Jennifer Lopez. Your ass is round and high and the reason I wear a tunic even though I'm a teenager is that the ass I have I inherited from Daddy and my ass will never be your ass.

Mel raises lighter.

MEL: Well come on, do you need a light or not?

NO, THE ROYAL HARRY IS NOT SLURPING ON TARA REID

HARRY: Are you sure you're not Tara Reid? Perhaps at the very least you're related to her.

RICH SLUT: No. I'm clothed and I'm not emerging from a swimming pool.

HARRY: True.

RICH SLUT: True.

HARRY: Um, can we pretend that you ARE Tara Reid?

Rich slut sighs.

HARRY: After all, wouldn't that be tremendous and historical and somehow beneficial to international politics if she became royalty? She would be Grace Kelly.

RICH SLUT: Only not.

HARRY: You're testy. I like testy.

RICH SLUT: Here's what would happen if Tara Reid were royalty. Miller lite kegs in the royal palace! (Harry beams) Bong hits on the back lawn! (Harry beams and sweats)
Buckets of sand imported from the Jersey Shore and poured all over a great room to make an indoor beach. (Harry beams, sweats and gets hard) Complimentary thong bikinis for any and all who visit! (Harry hides his hard on) On site breast implant center! (Harry yelps, he's about to come)

HARRY: Don't stop.

RICH SLUT: Hang by a second. I think I spot your brother.

Harry comes all over himself. Oops.

TRY A LITTLE HARDER, P-BRAIN

Hola camerita! Yaaaaays, I know that people like meee with good bone structure don't have to pose like aspiring teen models who practice in front of the bedroom mirror. I see the Gwynnie Palcheck in the magazeeeens. Yick. My white is just too white. I made boo boo.

Can you picture me bang a banging Matthew McConaughey?

I know. Is fun but, eh, not so...how you say? So much. Keeses.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND ON THE MYSPACE

here's a comment from a certain young actress who gets not so nice letters (AKA Lindsay Lohan). She wrote this comment on a friend's page on july 26:



7/26/2006 3:08 PM

im fine..

it's this fucking heat! im feeling a lot better though. but filming again tomorrow morning (cunts) jessie and mike are coming to visit me tomorrow, were going to flip la upside down, come with?

xx

AREN'T YOU SO EXCITED TO SEE BEN AFFLECK TRY AND DO THAT ACTING THING AGAIN?

i know i am. i confess that i must editorialize here and break the flow.

i am a masshole; i love all things massachusetts, and yes, this includes ben affleck's noble attempts at acting.

also i know that something is different about jeniffer garner. she doesn't have that uptight/eats too many stalks of celery/gets lots of yeast infections/just had jaw work/is really good at crying on cue look anymore.

she looks fucking happy.

see, massahcussetts is so better than a spa. massachusetts fucking rocks and brings out the best in people.

go mass go. instead of sending people like mary kate olsend to rehabd they should send them to sout boston and give them season tickets to the sox. it would work, i swear.

THE AMERICAN DREAMS GIRL AND HER LITTLE RED PURSE

Once upon a time there was a nice blonde innocent girl named Britt. And she didn't ever get photgraphed doing bad things like those other Hollywood kids. Little Britt had always been cute. Boys liked her even when they were in the throws of sexual latency.

Aaaw!

One night, Britt put on a cute little plaid dress. And like always, she took her little red purse. She went to see some boys. But the boys were crazy! She was going to play with her secret powder toy.

The boys knew that she liked to play with her toy in private, but then they did something really crazy. They took out a camera!

!!!

Lucky for Britt, the power of the plaid dress was strong. She put her red purse on the table. She was so nervous? What if the boys took her powder toy? What if the purse mysteriously fell and the powder toy popped out?

But the power of the plaid proved to be much, much stronger than she knew. Or maybe it was a combination of Britt's blue eyes and her plaid? Maybe the two forces aligned. After all, she kept her hands off the purse and she kept her eyes on the camera. Everyone else was laughing because they had been playing with thir own powder toys, but not Britt. Nor her purse.

She smiled big and waited until the silly boy with the camera was done snapping.

When the pictures came out on the internet, she was looking at the camera while all the boys were looking silly, like they had been playing too much with their powder toys.

And Britt lived hapily, semi-famously, non-notoriously ever after.

THE END